Part One: Life

    VI

“If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

     …

I shall not live in vain.”

~Emily Dickinson

My story

     It was the summer of 1992. I was twenty-one years old, had a full-time job, a car, an apartment, and “a plan.”

“My plan” didn’t include college or a career goal of any sort, 

No husband, (I didn’t really see myself as the marrying type), 

No house with a white picket fence, (I wanted nothing to hold me down, I was a “free bird,” my inner gypsy would take me wherever the wind blew…), 

And above all, clearly NO KIDS! (A cat, maybe, I could deal with that.) 

(Decades later, I ask myself, “Was this a ‘plan,’ or lack of one?” )

Either way, my single carefree days consisted of a minimum wage salary in the glorious world of retail, which barely sustained my living expenses, my weekend festivities, and now a newly adopted kitten that I had managed to smuggle in past the landlord. 

I had grown up with the all-but-wise counsel of both the most unusual Cyndi Lauper and the big haired, pink-lipped members of “Poison”: Life was one big party, and buddy, I made sure I was there. 

I lived it up, paycheck-to-paycheck-to-overdrafts-to paycheck, and with no more worry in the world than how I was gonna fund the next upcoming Motely Crue tour, and ways to creatively mastermind obtaining the backstage passes.

Yep, I was the epitome of responsibility, to say the least. 

And along came the drummer guy. 

He was cute, funny, had nice hair (because THAT was really important back then), played an awesome kit, overall, he was pretty cool. 

We were a lot alike, the drummer guy and I, and although we’d have some pretty colossal fights (and pretty stupid ones) that usually resulted in a weekly breakup, we would most always end up back together by the time the weekend rolled around. 

It was during one of these routine spats, which I believe was provoked this time by yours truly, that my little rock n’ roll party girl world came crashing down. 

With the aid of multiple drug store test kits, I learned that there MIGHT be the off-chance, that I could possibility be, pregnant. 

Not in the plan.

Trying to remain cool and logically thinking that all six test kits from the drug store were most likely defective, I called a girlfriend- she’d know what to do. 

We decided that a visit to Planned Parenthood would be the next step. Surely, SURELY their tests would be more accurate than something you could just buy over-the-counter at a drug store… right?

My girlfriend arrived, I fed the cat the last of the kitten chow (I’d pick some more up on the way back) and off we went, having convinced myself that within the hour I’d be relieved from this little “scare,” making doubly sure I was never in this predicament again!

I soon learned that those over-the-counter pregnancy tests, well, they were a little more accurate than I had originally hoped… 

“We have a counselor that we’d like to send in to talk to you.” 

This came from the nurse who had just confirmed the unthinkable. 

An older lady, the gray-haired bun type that reminded you of a stern high school principal, was sent in to “console” me. 

She sat down on the stool beside me in a matter-of-fact way with her hand full of pamphlets that would explain my “options.” 

Mid-way through her well-rehearsed sermon, I felt myself, almost unconsciously, get off the examination table, pick up my purse and walk out the door.  She and the nurse rushed to follow me down the hall as I met my girlfriend in the waiting room.

“I need to leave.” I told them, and I walked out of that door a different person than when I entered. 

I no longer was the happy-go-lucky chick that I’d been every other day of my party-packed life. Suddenly, I was an adult that was now responsible for another human life. 

I went back to my apartment to try and process the whole thing.

Twenty-one years old, pregnant, and less than five dollars in my bank account. 

Not good.

My mother was definitely gonna kill me.

I erupted into sobs as the little gray and black tiger-striped kitten jumped onto my lap. 

Wonderful- I had forgotten to stop and get cat food…

This is just a glimpse of where my life was when I was faced with the reality of my unplanned pregnancy almost twenty-seven years ago. 

There were few to talk to in those days, other than the staff at Planned Parenthood. Back then, you’d have been hard-pressed to find a lot of people, especially with the wisdom from previous generations, who would have been willing to admit they’d been in your same shoes once, much less talk about how their decision impacted their life and the lives of others, years later.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve revisited this time in my life.

 I can still remember that entire day, very vividly, because it was life-changing, life-altering; because it was a crossroads for me. 

I was reminded just how very difficult receiving such news can be, and all the overwhelming thoughts that accompany it.

It made me stop and think: If I were given the opportunity today to share my experience with a young woman placed in this same situation, what would I say to her?

What about other women who were right there with me all those years ago, that maybe chose a different path, what would they say? 

And what about the others; the ones whose lives were affected or would be affected by a woman’s decision, what would they share?  

To Whom It May Concern,  

“We’ve all been where you are, in one regard or another. We offer up our words, our advice, our experiences, and wisdom with love and sincere honesty. We know how difficult this is, but we ask that you consider each one of our perspectives. We pray that our stories guide you, as you struggle to make this decision; a most important one…”

“Oh, dear one, if you’re in an unplanned pregnancy situation, I feel you. I found myself there once. If I could give you any advice, it would be to take your time. This is not an instant decision. Give yourself time to think. Time to let it all soak in. Time to ponder. Time to seek counsel. 

Talk to someone one, two or maybe even three generations ahead of you. Their years have given them experience and wisdom. They have stories they can share with you. Listen. They can help you see beyond the circumstance. Listen closely. 

If you have already made a decision that can’t be undone, I understand that, too. If you, like me, made a hasty decision and sought an abortion because you didn’t know what else to do, please listen to me. You will likely be prone to self-hatred and believe that because of your decision you deserve nothing good in life. Please don’t hate yourself. Again, seek counsel. There are many around you who can relate, you just don’t know it. Speak with someone at your local crisis pregnancy center. They can put you in touch with someone who has walked the road you are walking and have come through able to forgive themselves. They will love you and help your heart heal. They are your friends.  They will help you find hope. 

If you’d like to follow my story (juliebays.com), you’ll probably be surprised to find that our stories are much the same.”

    ~ Julie was a nineteen-year-old college student who found herself in an unplanned pregnancy twenty-nine years ago. Julie counsels young women in this same situation.

“The main thing I would say is this: Adoption is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I chose adoption because I was alone and knew love alone could not provide what a child needs and deserves. 

In many ways, a part of my heart left when I signed the adoption papers. But that part of my heart beats not only in his adoptive parents lives….my heart beats in him.

I chose adoption because I felt he deserved a chance at the life I had created.”

~Michelle, then an eighteen-year-old who chose adoption over thirty years ago.

“Dan and I were high school sweethearts. Once we were married, we decided we wanted children and after a couple years and it not happening, we chose adoption. 

We were so excited and anxious when we started the process and after a few months of waiting, we became the parents of a beautiful seven-week-old baby boy on December 7, 1971.   

We will never forget that moment and day that we started our family!

When our son was about two years old, we decided it was time to promote him to “big brother” and share our love with another baby. The second time around wasn’t quite as easy.  Our name went on a list and after three years of waiting, we finally got the call to begin the adoption process all over again. On October 7, 1977, we met our beautiful baby girl. Our baby girl had been born to a twenty-two-year-old birth mother who cared very deeply about her new baby, but ultimately decided adoption would provide a better life for her. 

Adoption is a wonderful way to become parents and it expresses a love that is as deep as any love for a natural child.  We are always thankful for all birth mothers for choosing life! 

If it weren’t for adoption, we would have never had the joy of becoming grandparents! What a blessing!”

~ Adoptive parents Dan & Bobbie  

“We knew long before we were married that one day we would adopt. We fully intended to have children first and adopt later. This has changed and we are so excited to be on our first adoption journey, while also starting the ride of parenthood. 

A mom who gives up her child for adoption is doing just that, giving up her child- the hardest decision of her life. These mothers understand that by making a difficult decision, they will be able to give the child an opportunity to have everything they wish they could have given them. 

We can’t begin to imagine how hard of a decision it must be for young women to choose to bring a child into this world, when it seems everything is against them. However, we are assured that God does not make mistakes when He allows a precious baby to be conceived and be part of this world. We also know that no matter your situation, God will help you when you choose life. 

Choosing whether or not to keep a child should be weighed against the insurmountable positives of waiting adoptive parents, and the success stories of the people whose mothers chose life.

Do not assume that there are no other alternatives. 

We are not alone in our desire to adopt. There are countless families who will open their arms and love your child more than you could imagine.  

Ultimately, if that child can stay in your care, there are many ways to make it possible. Across the country there are dedicated women’s centers that can help in a multitude of ways. God will be with you in each step, if you will allow Him. Regardless of whether you choose to strive to be a mother to your child or allow another loving couple to do what you cannot, life is always better. 

If you are reading this, and made a decision to the contrary, there is abundant grace in Jesus.  Jesus knows that no one is perfect, and your choice is not beyond the forgiveness and amazing love of Him.  If you feel like the whole world has wrote you off, Jesus is there with open arms waiting to show you love and forgiveness beyond anything you could imagine.

Take a moment and reflect on the bigger picture. Choosing to keep the child will be the hardest fight of your life and there is no greater battle to win. Dealing with infertility opens your eyes to the beauty of conception and birth. When you desire to have a child and cannot, you begin to see every pregnancy as a blessing. No matter your situation, your unborn child is a gift.”

~ Bruce & Tracy are in the midst of the adoption journey, and eagerly await the joys of parenthood

“I’d like to identify myself as a living example of what happens when something that could have gone horribly, turns into something beautiful.

I will always choose life and adoption, not just because of my faith, but also because of the potential for each person involved in the process. 

The benefits: The mother gets the joy of knowing that she didn’t have to end a life and can see the child go to a family that sincerely wants the child. 

The child gets to live and grow up to be an advocate for life!

My advice to a pregnant mother who is struggling with life-long decisions would be to really think about what’s best for her child, that will end up being a blessing. 

I would tell her that she can make a difference. Then, I would ask her to consider, who the baby might become in the future? 

Finally, I would encourage anyone in the position to consider adoption.”

~ Andrew, a scheduled abortion-turned-adoption over twenty plus years ago, who now works in the arts industry, as an entertainer, musician, filmmaker and an advocate for life.

“Being told I was pregnant changed, and probably saved, my life. 

I can literally say the instant I heard those words, I immediately grew up. Shortly after finding out, I can remember getting down on my knees for the first time since probably grade school, and praying. The prayers continued for days and weeks, until my decision was finally made. 

Children were never in my “plan,” and even though it looked as if all odds were against me, against us, and I could not even begin to fathom how it was all going to work, somehow, I had a peace about it.

Being a young single mother was far from easy. 

In the beginning, I had no help, nada. 

When my little infant daughter decided to scream all night, I was the one up with her. 

Whether I was sick, tired, or frustrated to no end, she depended on me, and somehow, we got through it. 

Money was tight, real tight, and there were weeks when the numbers in the checkbook seemed impossible to add up, but somehow, the dollars stretched and we always had everything we needed. 

There were the trying times of cutting teeth, rising fevers, scraped knees and even stitches, not to mention potty-training. 

There were times I felt physically exhausted, emotionally inadequate, and knew this whole motherhood thing had defeated me. But somehow, my strength would be renewed, my confidence revived, my patience restored. 

Somehow things always worked out. 

Somehow, I knew that everything would be okay,

And it still is.

Of all my forty-eight years here on earth I’ve made a lot of mistakes,

but choosing life was never one of them.”

~Valerie, mother of two and grandmother of two, twenty-seven years later